Deborah Feldman grew up in and married within an ultra-orthodox Jewish family belonging to a minor sect of the faith. Unorthodox is her story of what it was like to grow up in this community, where obedience was everything, and how she eventually came to leave it.
The author’s parents were in an arranged marriage which eventually her mother left, abandoning her daughter. The father obviously had some form of learning disability and was unable to parent so the author was brought up by her extended family all of whom seemed frightened that she would also leave the community so she was observed and managed quite closely. Eventually, a marriage was arranged within the community but then the young couple came under the authority of the groom’s family and the author was treated unkindly. When the opportunity arose the author left her community, studied and sought out her mother to find out why she had left.
This is a very personal memoir but it gives us a picture of how a closed religious community can exist and thrive in the middle of a metropolitan and liberal city such as New York. It is also a story of what it is like to have a childhood without love or much affection. Observance and obedience were the important things for women with her upbringing and the author’s life was heavily policed by her family and others within her community who determined what she could wear and who she could speak to. Free thinking and individuality were not encouraged and she had limited access to education or reading material. Her life within the community was stifling and unstimulating, her marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional, and the many rituals of orthodox Judaism became oppressive, especially when she became pregnant.
The depiction of the ultra-orthodox way of life in this memoir is fascinating. The author also describes her life, her feelings and the obstacles to her eventual escape very well. This is a very readable memoir.
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